he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
