sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
