if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize