I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
