i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I love having hate sex.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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