i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
