Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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