They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
