I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize