I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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