So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
