just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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