thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize