Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
