I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
