Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
