dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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