She went from zero to smokin in five shots
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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