Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
