life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
