Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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