party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
