you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
