life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he thought i was a dude.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
