you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize