Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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