Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
