in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
