i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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