five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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