she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize