I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
