my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
