I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you win again, gameday.
Sober January is a disaster.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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