Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize