I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
