I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
