Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
