I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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