what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
