We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
