I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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