saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
