Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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