let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
