Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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