apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
