Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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