i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
