My liver just broke up with me...
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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