1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
