My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
