yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
