my vag is so smooth its legendary
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
