dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize