just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
