just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
