At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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