i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
