I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize