It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
