If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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