So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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